Each time the camera pans to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
Each time an award winner says “I didn’t expect to win” and then pulls out a prepared speech.
For each joke referencing the 2012 election.
For every dead celebrity in the dead celebrity montage you’ve never heard of.
For every awkward joke making fun of the French, Jean Dujardin or “The Artist.”
Every time an Oscar nominee is accidentally caught giving the Oscar winner in their category side-eye.
Any time an award winner forgets to thank their famous spouse.
When an award winner tells their kids watching at home to “go to sleep now.”
Any time an award winner is cut off by the orchestra mid-speech.
Every time someone trips on her dress.
For all jokey references to Uggie the dog winning Best Actor.
For any reference by Billy Crystal to Ricky Gervais’s terrible hosting.
For any reference by Billy Crystal to James Franco and/or weed.
For any vaguely political acceptance speech. Take another shot (preferably of south-of-the-border produced tequila) if it expressly references Rick Santorum.
For any reference to “Hollywood magic,” especially during any special effects awards presentations For any other typical self-aggrandizing Hollywood cliches, including but not limited to “magic makers,” “we make children laugh,” etc., etc.